I will always be there to save you
by xxx-wow-xxx
Summary: Jim gets lost in his own mind. Will Spock save him?


Hi everybody,

I wrote this little one-shot in German and published it on and just wanted to give it a try here on , too. So I started to translate the story and this is the result. I am no native speaker but I tried my best. I hope I did a good enough job for you to enjoy it. Please forgive me any mistakes I am sure I have made but tell me nevertheless if it is too bad.

Thanks for reading and please review!

**xXxXx**

He fell.

He fell into a black, bottomless abyss and knew without a doubt that this was the end.

A no-win-situation, which would lead to his certain death.

He tried to laugh but could not manage.

He had always told anyone who would listen (and also anyone who would not) that there were no no-win-situations. That he would always find his way out of any situation no matter what.

Life's sarcasm struck him out of the blue.

He felt cold.

He could not see in the darkness that surrounded him.

The feeling of falling, in his past often a feeling of desired adrenaline, just strengthened the nightmarish impression of his hopelessness.

Finally – the last seconds of James Tiberius Kirk's life.

A life much too short in his opinion.

A life which had not been that harmonic most of the time but had started to improve considerably during the last year in which he gained his captaincy, having the best ship and the best crew in star fleet under his command.

Considering this – maybe it was not such a big surprise after all that he would lose all this exactly in the moment he started to feel comfortable with his new life.

How could he have ever thought he would be allowed to keep all of this?

His new captaincy.

The _Enterprise_.

His great, adorable crew?

The best First Officer and friend one could imagine?

Spock.

He stopped at this name and would have smiled if he could have managed.

Everything Spock Prime told him in that cave down on Delta Vega had come true. Spock and he had built that epic friendship during the last year on board of the _Enterprise_, Spock Prime had predicted. It had taken some time to overcome the incidents at the academy and on the bridge of the _Enterprise_ during the Nero attack. But the fact that they saved Earth together really had counted in some way. They both had tried. And they both had desired this friendship to work. And after some cautious approaches, many conversations and even more matches of chess they had played in silence they finally had it. And this friendship had become the most precious thing in his entire life.

He would have laughed again but still could not manage to do so.

It was his – James T. Kirks – turn to meet his maker shortly and still he could not bring himself to admit what he actually should know at heart by now.

Spock was his friend.

His best friend even.

He trusted Spock like no one else. He would trust him with his life without hesitation in every situation (and matter-of-factly had done so very often in the past). He had always thought that he could become a better person and a better captain as long as Spock was at his side.

But the more he had let Spock see behind his sunnyboy-façade (and to his wonder Spock had not turned away from him in distaste) and the more he himself had been allowed to see behind Spocks Vulcan façade the deeper his at the beginning all platonic feelings for Spock had become.

Until he had fallen in love with him.

With his stoic First Officer and friend.

Of course he would not have admitted it to himself at first.

He was James T. Kirk after all.

And a lovesick James T. Kirk would have been as weird as a Klingon petting a kitten instead of eating it.

More than that he would never have thought it possible that Spock would reciprocate his feelings.

Although Spock had broken up with Uhura some time ago he could not imagine that Spock would have any interest in deepening their friendship. Wrong gender and wrong looks. As long as Uhura could be seen as a criterium for Spocks taste in his sexual partners.

So he had decided to bury his feelings in his heart and just to be Spock's friend.

And now it was too late.

The black night around him seemed to deepen.

The feeling of falling intensified.

He knew that he would come crashing down during the next few seconds.

His body, his mind and his soul would shatter.

And he would die.

Strangely enough he felt no fear.

He only felt regret about the things he was about to lose.

And about the chances in life he had missed.

He could feel the abyss speed towards him in spite of the darkness that surrounded him.

And knew that he would die any moment.

His thoughts kept wondering for the last time to the person who had become the most important one in his life during the last year.

"Spock."

He was not quite sure if he really whispered Spock's name or if he just thought about it but did not care in the end.

"Jim!"

Involuntarily he shook his head.

For one moment he was on the verge of believing that Spock had answered him.

He admired his subconscious which was apparently very keen to give him some peace of mind while death was only seconds away.

"Jim!"

He would come crashing down any moment…

Any moment…

And then - suddenly everything became bright clear.

Like a beam of light out of stormy clouds.

He was blinded and had to close his eyes.

And then – he finally stopped falling.

But he did not come crushing down and shattering into thousand pieces like he had expected.

Instead he felt himself caught, sensed two strong arms closing around him and his body pressed to another. He could feel the heat which seemed to evaporate from the other body, believed to smell the unmistakable scent of desert sand and the spices Spock preferred for meditating, a scent he would recognize everywhere.

He felt himself shaking.

Felt his thoughts going around in circles, hoping that he was not dreaming.

"It is not a dream, Jim."

Slowly and hesitatingly he opened his eyes, hoping beyond hope that he would see what he wanted to see most.

And could hardly believe it the moment he finally looked into a pair of black-gleaming eyes which fixed him intently.

He had always wanted to believe that those eyes granted him access to Spock's soul, something which seemed to prove true in this moment because those flamy eyes clearly showed Spocks concern and inner turbulence even if his face was as calm as usual.

"Spock!"

This time he was sure that he spelled out Spock's name aloud.

"What happened?"

With a feeling of gratitude he sensed Spock's arms coming around closer. He shortly felt surprised that Spock could endure this extended physical contact but decided not to complain about it.

"Do you remember our diplomatic mission on Kadis III, Jim?"

Spock's voice without a doubt.

He closed his eyes for a moment than opened them again and nodded.

He could remember beaming on the surface of Kadis III with Spock, Uhura, Chekov, Giotto and two of Giotto's men. He also remembered that the natives had welcomed them with friendliness and respect and had prepared a meal for them. Vaguely he remembered a relaxed atmosphere with laughter and music and delicious food.

And then – his memories went blank.

"Against Dr. McCoy's explicit advice you tried the local fruits, Jim. One of those fruits causes hallucinatory effects when consumed in its raw status. Effects, which are a dozen times stronger than the effects of all earth-known drugs. You lost consciousness within 0.213 seconds. I contacted the _Enterprise_ and ordered to beam you to sickbay immediatley and Dr. McCoy did certainly his best to stop the effect of the neurotoxin but failed in the end. You were already affected too deeply. I could think of no other possibility to rescue you than initiating a mind meld."

He watched Spock with huge eyes.

"We are in my brain?"

"That is correct, Jim. We are in your mind, in your thoughts."

"But I can hear you. I can see you. Damn, I can even _feel _you."

"That is correct, too, Jim. It is your mind which sets the parameters of our mind meld."

"Wait – that means I can hear, see and feel you because I _want_ it that way?"

"Expressed in a simplified manner but basically yes."

Irritated he shook his head.

"I'm not sure I understand all of this."

He watched Spock incline his head an inch or two .

"I could provide you with the basics of Vulcan mind meld but I suggest waiting until we brought you back to consciousness."

Abruptly he focused on the most important problem ahead.

"You can bring me back?"

He watched Spock nod.

"I can show you the way back from your subconscious to consciousness."

He nearly sighed in relief but remembered just in time that sighing would not be an adequate reaction for a star fleet captain or for James T. Kirk. Instead he asked:

"So I'm not going to die?"

"No. I found you just in time."

He looked into Spock's meanwhile calm and soft eyes which were still that close. He still thought he could feel the heat radiating off of Spock's body next to his. Neither he nor Spock had moved an inch during the last minutes – seconds? hours? And it would not be him to change this. He had to admit that he had never ever felt that safe and at ease in his whole life before.

"How did you find me?"

Spock still watched him intently.

"My searching turned out to be very difficult, I have to admit that. I knew I would have to go deeply into your mind to find you there in your subconscious. Additionally and to complicate things further it was a matter of time since I would lose you there. But the deeper I went into your mind the darker it became. I could not see any more and had difficulties to orientate myself. Even so I dived deeper and deeper – basically blind – into your mind. Suddenly I heard you call out my name and I came after your voice, calling out for you. That is how I finally found you."

He had listened to Spock with huge eyes.

And finally spelled out the one question in his mind.

"Spock – if I had died while you were in my mind, what would have happened to you?"

A long moment Spock watched him intently and silently without taking his gaze away as if he wanted to make sure that Jim would understand and believe every word he was going to say next. And then he answered.

"I would have died, too."

There was silence again after Spock's words.

But their eyes were locked into one another, refusing to let go.

"But you came to save me nevertheless."

It was not a question, it was a statement. And Spock seemed to understand that.

"I will always be there to save you."

He still felt the heat radiating from Spock's body, he still felt Spock's arms around him, pulling him even closer into the Vulcan's embrace but all of a sudden he also felt his own heart beginning to beat fastly in his chest.

His voice was hardly a whisper.

"Why?"

There was silence again.

Then Spock answered his question with a calm and steady voice.

"Because I love you."

He felt his new discovered heart skip a beat or two. But before he would have had the chance to take Spock's words fully in or to respond to them, Spock continued.

"It is not logical, Jim. And I have to admit that it took me a long time to realize that I had developed those … feelings for you. And it took me even longer to accept those … feelings. All my life I tried to suppress every emotion. More than once I failed. Controlling and suppressing my emotions was always hardest in your presence. You are a challenge to my human half. And during the last year you showed me that it is no weakness to give that human side of mine some room. I would have tried to find you until the last moment. Because it would not have been acceptable to lose you."

Disbelievingly he had listened to Spock's words, had looked into Spocks gleaming eyes, which looked like black, agitated holes and tried to understand what Spock had said moments before.

But there was only one thing he could think about, only one thing he could begin to understand.

_Spock loves me._

His heart beat twice as hard as usual.

_Spock loves me._

He looked at Spock's face, the black, neatly combed hair, the exotic eyebrows, the black eyes, the straight nose, the full lips.

_Spock loves me!_

And all of a sudden this thought infiltrated every corner of his mind and seemed to take possession of every inch of his body.

And then he just followed his feelings, leaned forward and started to discover Spock's lips with his own, slowly and hesitantly, touching and tasting, waiting for any reaction Spock would give him.

And Spock – kissed him back.

He slowly moved his hands to Spock's neck, in doing so touching Spocks pointed ears, welcoming Spock's gasp which followed his movement. He tried to get his body even closer to Spock's, intensifying the pressure of his lips.

And Spock – came closer, too, intensifying his kiss and his embrace like he would never let him go again.

It took them an eternity to part again.

They looked at each other until Spoke finally broke the silence.

"Am I correct in assuming that you reciprocate my feelings?"

And he could not help but laugh.

"Your assumption is correct, Spock."

It was only for a moment that he believed to see a humorous glint in Spock's eyes but was distracted when Spock let him out of his embrace at the same time and stood up. The next moment he saw Spock extending his right hand to him.

"Come,T'hy'la. Come with me. I will bring us back."

He took Spock's hand and stood up, too, next to his half-Vulcan.

Spock did not let go of his hand.

Once again he faced Spock directly.

"Will we know what happened here once we are back?"

Spock nodded.

"We will, T'hy'la."

He held Spock's gaze a bit longer.

Then he smiled.

"In this case I am ready."

**xXxXx**

"They are back!"

He heard Bones' voice in the distance and tried to open his eyes. It took him some time to do so but finally managed it. The first few moments afterwards his sight was blurry. He hardly saw Bones who bent over him, his tricorder in his hands, he hardly heard him shouting instructions and he hardly felt the hypospray in his neck.

"Damn you, Jim, you nearly scared me to death. How often did I tell you not to eat foreign fruits on foreign planets? You never listen to me. If it had not been for the green-blooded hobgoblin and his mind-melt-voodoo you would be dead right now."

Spock!

He paid no more attention to Bones' words.

He paid no more attention to Bones' actions.

Instead he looked around hectically, marginally realizing that his perception became more and more normal with every second.

But he had only one intention.

He had to find Spock.

He had to know if he was well.

He had to make sure that everything that had happened during their mind meld had not been a dream.

He had to know if Spock really loved him.

And finally – he found him.

Standing in a corner of sickbay, obviously anxious not to get in the way of the medical stuff.

But Spock's gleaming-black eyes were focused on him.

Intently.

Steadily.

Unshakably.

And that look into Spock's eyes was all he needed.

It had not been a dream.

Spock did really love him.

Their future laid ahead.

This was not the end.

But a brand new beginning.


End file.
